oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
