I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
