I smell stomach acid.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize