the new term for farting is butt boxing.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
