Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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