i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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