Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
