Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
