You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
