FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
