how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
