My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
MIDGETS
????
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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