i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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