he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
