Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
