I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
