I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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