You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
