went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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