Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
