all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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