The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
