i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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