hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
