I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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