I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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