Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
