If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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