whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
