I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
