none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm at about main and main street
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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