Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
