I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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