ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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