you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
