We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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