I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
