I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
