I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
