I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
