I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
