Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
