Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
