My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
