If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
