I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize