I heard we made out
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
