Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
