I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My pussy is not your playground.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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