question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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