were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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