I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
