Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
