If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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