You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
