she looked like the before picture.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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