I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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