@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
