I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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