I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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