Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
