I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
