my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize