i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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