I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
