the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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