I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
where does the pee come out of this thing
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
